Subject not object.

Oh golly me. I went a concert on Saturday with a friend. I don’t know if I wrote about it (probably did), but back in June I bought tickets to see Janelle Monáe. And can I say I HAVE NO RAGRETS.

tenor

Absolutely ZERO regrets. For real, for real. It was a PHENOMENAL show. And there was a lot of love in the room that night. Everyone was feeling it. A lot of people cried — I know I did. I cried A LOT. Janelle spoke of subjects like, LGBTQIA+, Flint, the POC, police brutality, the disabled, and mentally ill. I was floored by how fantastic it was. Very ethereal (I look for that in shows), TONS of energy so much love and compassion. Everyone should see her.

The funny thing is that I had so many anxieties about going to this show; would I ache (I did)? Would I witness someone vomiting. Oh god, what if I vomited. Ya know, worst case scenarios. And while I was achy afterward and a little bit during, absolutely nothing went wrong. It was a perfect set up. Not just the show and its energy, but even down to the parking and hanging out with my friend.

See? With reassurance like this, I feel like I can get out of the house more. Reassurance meaning I’m not going to die if I leave the house. And if I run into He-Who-Shall-Not-Be-Named (no, not Voldemort, but The Dreaded Ex) and I feel unsafe, I have protection. I’ll be in a public place. Nothing bad come from it. Worst case being I am worrying about him judging me. When in reality I think he probably doesn’t give two shits about me. ANYWAY…

I want to go to more concerts. The next prospect is Christina Aguilera in Detroit come October. My friend said she may want to go, but doesn’t know if she can commit. I’m not worried about it, if it happens it happens. I’m sure tickets won’t sell out anytime immediately, as Christina’s ticket sales have been slow.

These smaller, more intimate shows are my jam. There’s just as much energy at an arena event, but even then I’m feeling these smaller venues a bit more. I can’t wait to see more and venture out into the realm of music again. Music is my forte. Pun intended… more like fortissimo. hehehe

My only wish is to not just solely do concerts, but to hang out with family, too. I hate that my trust is tarnished due to some stuff that went down. But I also feel bad that I haven’t seen them hardly at all and if I just start showing up they won’t accept me. That’s probably my psyche playing up — all hogwash. I love my family very much and I hope they know that I think about them a lot, and would love to see them. I just get overwhelmed even at the thought of being around them, afraid they’re judging me or something ridiculous like that. They love me, too. I know they do.

Anyway, I should get some rest.

-S

PS – Funny story: I bought a crewneck sweatshirt at the concert and it didn’t fit when I came home because I ate Taco Bell and was so bloated. But when I put it on tonight, it fit. Very snug, but I could still wear it. What in the fresh hell?

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TGIF?

I feel like I start off every blog post about how exhausted I am. Well, this post is no different. This week was utter shit for sleep. I spent more of it awake than what I did actually sleeping. And it not only takes a toll on you mentally, but physically as well. More of the former than the latter.

The thing is I couldn’t even begin to tell you why I haven’t been sleeping. It’s not like I wasn’t tired. In fact, I was exhausted. My brain was finding lame shit to not sleep over. For instance, there was a fly or a moth, or some other annoying insect flying around my room. Buzzing in the key of F (no joke), driving me absolutely mad. So I stayed up. Another night it was the fact that I couldn’t stop thinking about The Handmaid’s Tale. So I stayed up. SO LAME. And like I said, as a result it did not sit well with me physically or mentally. ESPECIALLY mentally.

Today I am paying for it big time. I have an every-nagging need to cry. Anthony Bourdain’s tragic passing has a bit to do with it, too. Here’s hoping I get my cry in and get some sleep, because dis binch needs it! Although it is storming, so we’ll see how well I DO sleep tonight. 🙄

I’ve been trying to do more self-soothing activities to keep my mind occupied, or run myself ragged so I can sleep. Honestly? I think I need to get out of the house. Be more physical. Spend less time inside my own head. I know I go on about that a lot, yet here I am…

giphy

How do I even bide my time?! Mostly I just read, write, or putz around on the internet. I can be more productive than that. I can also sit here with a million excuses as to why I don’t do anything more productive and mind occupying. Anxiety is a bitch like that, telling me not to do this or that because it will trigger this or that anxiety symptom. I fucking hate it. When will I come around to combatting that little anxiety thought bubble? GAHHHHHHH!

In more random news:

I bought tickets to see Janelle Monae. I am VERY excited to go. They were very much a whim purchase. Well, maybe a little bit of a whim, it was kind of pre-planned/not quite set in stone plans. Like I wrote in a previous entry that Janelle has been a source of inspiration and comfort for me. AS WELL AS stepping outside of my comfort zone. Maybe this will be the step forward that I need to do whatever it is I need to do. Whatever it is I haven’t quite figured out.

Secondly, I started a new TV series called Timeless. While there are holes in the story that don’t quite bridge together, it’s exceptionally great. I love the protagonists and the storyline. It’s unique. It’s about Time travel and there’s this whole exciting plot to it that I just can’t put into words without giving away the storyline. If you get a chance, watch it!

Oh! And I started using a new mascara called Kush by Milk Makeup. It’s all vegan and it doesn’t make my eyes water at all and it’s nourishing as hell. 10/10, do recommend.

Anyway, I need to get going (not really, I don’t know what else to write about lol).

-S.

Restless Nights & Whodunnits

Sooo… it’s been storming for like the past three nights now. Not during the day. At fucking night and into the wee hours of the morning. And not only is it putting a damper on my moods, but causing me to be seriously restless despite taking my medication for sleep. My joints are rigid as hell and I’m about ready to saw off my left forearm at the elbow and my shoulder at the shoulder blade. Funny how my brain automatically goes into “let’s see what we can conjure up on this FIIIINE morning”. Not fun.

I attempted to sleep, I really did. But there’s this high pitched howling going on and it has me convinced it’s a tornado or something. Even though its not even windy out. Just thundery and lightening. Oh, and lots o’ rain.

Naturally in my sleeplessness I managed finished a book in the nights that its been storming out. The book was good, it’s a new author for me, Lisa Jewell. The book I read previously was of hers, called Then She Was Gone. It was great. A real page turner. This one was pretty great too, it was called Girls In The Garden. Definitely a whodunnit type deal. The first book took me a little longer to read, as it was a longer book. But the latter only took me two days, like I said. Now I don’t know what to do… Do I shop my stash or order another book? I’ve got one coming toward the end of the month, but it’s a David Sedaris book, probably of essays as per usual, but I’m really enjoying these psychological thrillers. Perhaps I do need some fluff, but I don’t know what to read now. Meh.

So, it’s officially Mother’s Day. I got my mom a gift card to Barnes & Nobel. Gave it to her last week. *shrug* I’ve never been one to wait on giving gifts until the day of, or around it. I figured, hey, it’s close enough and she can shop at her leisure. I enjoy giving gifts. I also got my sister a little something, but I’m not going to divulge what just in case she reads these blog posts (though I doubt she does).

I started a new dosage of Prazosin about a little over a month ago. I am now on 10mg rather than 5mg. Some nights I need the 10mg, most nights I do not. I also notice my anxiety has gotten significantly better. Part of me wonders how much of the issue of not getting a good night’s sleep was causing the anxiety and panic attacks. They still happen, just few and far in-between. It makes it easier on me, because since I can’t sleep at this moment in time, I took a Klonopin and I am waiting on it to kick in so I can get some rest. Ya know? I just want to sleep… and not all damn day (as I am typing this at damn near 3am).

I think I have something called interstitial cystitis aka IC aka “painful bladder syndrome”. I don’t exactly know what it consists of or how one gets tested for it. Yet here I am, self-diagnosing. Anyway, I pee at least 20 times a day. I’m probably underexaggerating there. Its embarrassing how often I go pee. And my urethra hurts something fierce. It’s not a UTI, because I’m not sick like what I am with a UTI. And I’m not having urinary retention or whatever it’s called when I would get a UTI in the past. Who knows? Maybe it’s Over Active Bladder. It could also be my weight. *shrugs*

I’m hungry right now am too drained to cook anything. Besides, the odds are not in my favor of my mom not complaining about me cooking at 3 in the goddamn morning.

Ahh, my medication is kicking in and I feel like this is my cue to sleep (or die trying). G’night.

-S

Crappy Cramping Cramps

This is going to be a random entry, mostly because I just feel like blogging about nonsense. But as you can see from title of said blog entry, I am having really bad cramps. Yes, period cramps. They suck, but there’s nothing I can do about it.

I suspect I have endometriosis. I shouldn’t self-diagnose, but what else can I do when doctors don’t take me seriously when I mention something. Is it so bruising to their ego that I could possibly be right about my body? I’m tired of being written off by docs and made out to be a hypochondriac. I’m not. Something is seriously rotten in Denmark, as Shakespeare would say. I’m just over these painful periods, that’s all.

So, sigh, I’m taking a mini break from reading this REALLY good book. Its a suspense novel. Not super suspenseful that I’m taking a break for anxiety reasons, but I just needed to busy my hands for a few minutes. What to write about…

Per my last entry, I mentioned Janelle Monáe and how her song “Pynk” was so inspiring and empowering. Well, her whole album released Friday and the whole damn thing is inspiring and empowering.  It makes me wish I could open up to the entire universe and be my WHOLE authentic self. Ya know? Not just in between the closet and out. I don’t want to be judged. But who does? At some point I am going to have to get past that fear and move on with my life. Be happy. That makes the most sense.

Anyway…

I took out a trial of 5 pairs of glasses frames to, uh, try out and see which ones I liked from a company called Warby Parker. They have super awesome customer service and I can’t wait to order the pair I picked out. I got a pair through medicaid, but they’re very cheap feeling and glare REALLY bad. So annoying.

I also go to the salon next week. As for what I’m doing to my hair, I don’t know. I’d love to have it cut really short, but meh, I don’t look too great with short hair. I know for sure I’m getting a root touch up. I’m having it done by the owner of the salon, so I don’t know how much it’s going to cost me, but it can’t be more than what I paid for my balayage highlights last time I was at the salon. I’m tired of the grays, time to darken them again. My ends are gross, so I’m having a fair few inches chopped off. It’s what they need. SERIOUSLY.

I’m due for a change. lol

-S

WE GOT THE PYNK

Soooooo… I’ve been struggling with something for the past, gosh 17 years. It’s so hard to write this, but not many people read it. So, fuck it. I’m just going to say it.

I’m bisexual. A demi-bisexuel at that. Meaning I don’t do random hookups. I’ve never been in a relationship with a woman before. I yearn for it. There’s something so deeply rooted in me that loves the female persuasion. If that’s the word I’m even looking for. Femininity is something I hold near and dear to my heart. And I have since I was 16. Yes, I’ve been in the closet THAT long. All though tumultuous relationship after tumultuous relationship. No, they did not “turn” me bisexual. I’ve known all along. Let me take you back to the beginning.

This is going to sound uber silly, but it did start with Britney Spears when she released “Britney”. I just thought she was the most beautiful woman in the world. Her smile was infectious. I wasn’t in love with her by any means… but I sure a shit was infatuated with her beyond “normal” infatuation standards.

I once asked a friend if they ever wondered what it was like to kiss a girl. She said, “No”. But assured me it was normal to wonder that. I’ve had crushes on girls, REAL crushes. Not like, “Oh, she’s a celebrity, let me crush”. Real women. Women who had no interest in me whatsoever.

Then in 2007, I discover a book called “Feministing” by Jessica Valenti. It changed my WORLD for the better. It was like I was seeing the world with brand new eyes. Fight the patriarchy! YEAH!

I also started getting into more female-driven music. Not that I always wan’t. Spice Girls were (and still are) my jam! “GIRL POWER” means a lot to me. Not just in the way of being with women, but women having POWER.

It wasn’t until 2011 I discovered Intersectionality. I.E. Intersectional Feminism. It’s inclusive. BIG TIME. Trans. Non-Binary. Bisexual. Demisexual. Pansexual. Intersex. Sex workers! You name it, you’re INCLUDED (unless you’re a trans-mysoginist then you can fuck off. Also SWERFS aren’t allowed either). And that made me feel a lot more… liberated? Again, struggling for words.

While all that’s fine and dandy, I’m still in the closet… partially. My sister knows. I think some of my friends get the gist. But part of me feels like I’m going to be super duper ostracized. And my ex boyfriend will be to blame for it. HE ISN’T THOUGH. I was literally bisexual when I as with him, at least for the good duration our relationship.

Part of me also feels like I’m living a lie because I haven’t been honest with doctors and therapists and people like that. With the way our country is going… do I dare at this point?

NO ONE is to blame. Not my parents. Not my ex-boyfriends. Not tarnish friendships. NO ONE. This is my own identity. And it’s time I owned up to it.

So if you’re a family member. A friend who doesn’t quite know… let it digest. Coming right to me will catch me off guard. I deserve some peace in my life. And if that means coming out via WordPress. Then, so be it.

-S

1000 Years of Solitude

No, I’m not speaking of the book. I’m speaking of what feels like 1,000 years of it, in my life. I was scrolling through Facebook and came across this Jim Carrey quote. Keep in mind, I don’t put too much stock into what he has to say. But this rang way too true for me.

solitude

I mean it was like a huge smack in the face, except it didn’t hurt or sting. Nothing. It just was like “Oh hey, this is how you’re living your life and it’s not a good way to live”.

And I don’t know if I find it dangerous as much a I find it safe. My thinking is that if I leave this safety net, I’m going to be bombarded with triggers and stupid little things that get on my nerves. In turn causing me to need to decompress.

Do I think there’s anything wrong with living a quiet life? No. Some Monks do it. But I’m no Monk. I’m isolating myself. Big difference. I don’t deal well with stressors and triggers… I don’t have great coping mechanisms I guess. It sucks, because I do tend to get cabin fever from time to time, and that’s when my social anxiety comes knocking at my door, “Hey there are going to be people out there. People who are intrusive and scary”.

Why is that my thought process. I really need to change it. I can live the quiet life, because I am an introvert. But I need not isolate myself as much as I do because I’m afraid.

It’s definitely a habit, not one I wish I had. But hey… I’m trying to grow and change that habit. It’s quite difficult, but ya know its all about trial and error.

At any rate… that’s all I have for now.

-S

Anxiety Central Station

Let me preface this entry by telling a story about how I once went to a psychic and he told me I was like a camel, that I carry heavy loads. He had noticed the llama on my Guster shirt and thought for sure it symbolized that. But whatever.

I. Am. Not. Equipped. To. Carry. Heavy. Loads.

I don’t mind if people vent to me, but when its something that you think is going to trigger me… chances are it will. The odds are in my favor that way. *eyeroll*

Anyway, in the theme of vague-blogging someone told me something earlier that triggered a BUNCH of anxiety in me. And I had. MASSIVE panic attack. It was so bad that I was Googling my symptoms to make sure that it wasn’t more serious than what I was experiencing. Obviously I’m fine. But Christ. I hate being so easily triggered that this happens.

Honestly? I’ve also had this ever present need to cry for the past few days. Nada. Nothing. Zilch. And quite frankly it’s annoying. It’s almost as if I can feel the pressure building up behind my eyes, but I don’t cry. (lol I feel like I’m quoting a Michelle Branch song here!)

Also, I keep on dreaming about my ex-boyfriend again. Fuckingannoying .They aren’t nightmares, which is probably as equally as bad as being one. Leaves me feeling some sort of residual crap that I don’t like.

Basically I want to breathe regularly while crying it out. That’s all.

For now, I am doing something soothing (writing it out) and listening to numbing music (Taylor Swift… sorry, I don’t think her music is particularly depthy, but it’s still good and gets my mind off shit).

Physically I am experiencing some bad gas pains. It’s a, uh, pain. I want my body and brain to just WORK TOGETHER and not against each other. Is that so much to ask for?

Random ramblings: 

I’m still working my way though this monstrously long book I’ve been reading for what feels like a month. It’s like 600 pages. I like it a lot, but if I’m feeling anxious then it take a lot for me to sit still and read it without my mind wandering off into space. There’s this love tryst in it and I’m not sure how I feel about it. It was going so well and then this happens and I’m thinking, “can’t there be a book WITHOUT this?!”. The protagonist is a strong magical female and falls in love with the antagonist and I’m like “WHHHHYYYYYYYY?!?!”. I kiiinda equate it to Hermione Granger falling in love with Draco Malfoy, but thank gob that doesn’t happen *spoiler: read the books* I digress, it’s a good read, just long as hell.

I can’t believe I am going to say this, but I miss traveling and having interpersonal relationships. This whole isolation thing needs to come to an end. The biggest problem is me reaching out to people. That and not feeling safe leaving the house in my own town. If I go out of town, I’m generally fine. Maybe because the odds of running into someone I don’t want to see lessen? I don’t know. It’s a small world and my town is even smaller, so people have to venture out to get anything. By anything I mean anything that isn’t Small Town, USA. To quote Fall Out Boy, “This town ain’t big enough for the two of us”. I NEED OUT.

On that note, I’m having a major case of wanderlust. I oh so wish I had the means to travel big. I want to go to the Maldives. Like, BAAAAD. It’s funny how traveling makes me feel *so* good, and being isolated from the world makes me stir crazy. IT’S ALMOST AS IF I NEED TO GET OUT OF MY HOUSE MORE.

Siiiiiigh.

alice

Anywhouzen, I’m going to get my read on.

PEACE,
S.