Another one of those “I’m Tired” entries.

Well, I am. What can I say? Sleep has been not so great, having nightmares despite the fact that I had my Ambien increased to 10mg. Definitely asking for something different next time I see my psychiatrist.

A lot of people may ask, “Well if you’re so tired, why don’t you just sleep?”. Ha. Not that simple. My brain is hardwired to be on damn near 24/7 until I’ve literally exhausted myself to nothing. As if a part of me actually dies from not sleeping well. And it fucking sucks.

So here I am, tired out of me wits, but yet making a goddamn blog post? Chances are good I probably could sleep right now. I’m that tired, not manic and feeling mostly ok. Just exhausted. Tomorrow I plan on sleeping in. Hopefully not exceptionally late, but late enough. I’ll set an alarm, let’s see if I actually wake up to it.

The truth is, I probably should exercise better sleep hygiene than what I have been as of late. I’ve been spending an abundant amount of time locked in my room. Afraid of the flu. Well, guess who caught the flu and was REALLY fucking sick? That’s right. Moi.

Every day since Monday has been super miserable and I’m just now feeling better. Apparently I didn’t have the “flu” flu, but the norovirus (apparently there’s a difference). My symptoms lasted for a few days (sans vomiting, that didn’t even last 24 hours). Up until Thursday I would say. Friday  I was feeling mostly normal, with the exception of running on empty (no sleep). Yesterday was a sleepy day and I have no question in my mind as to whether tonight’s sleep will be, too. I need the sleep to recover from the excessive amount of vomiting I did. My poor body (and brain!).

The good news is that I think I’ve had a bit of exposure therapy to the whole emetaphobia (fear of vomiting) thing. It isn’t me that is fearful of vomiting, per se. But my loved ones being sick and potentially dying. Yes, that is my exact thought process. I feel like I’ve discussed it in length before, but I haven’t. So here it is:

Death has knocked on both of my parents’ doors. And my sisters. So when any of them get sick, I immediately go into panic mode. Probably bordering on paranoia. I’m sooo afraid of losing any of them, even to the flu (I mean, people have died from it), that I’m afraid to get it. It sucks SO bad. Even hearing someone wretch on TV is enough throw me into a tailspin of “OH MY GOD, THEY’RE GOING TO DIE”.

I digress, every one is still alive. Characters on TV included. I only wish my goddamn brain would stop getting the better of me.

On another slightly related topic: Nightmares. I keep on having unnerving ones that really set the tone for how my days are going to be. For instance, the other night I dreamt my Uncle, who has since passed in a super tragic manner, came back to life and came to visit us. Only he had resurrected from the dead, not dying the way he died in real time, but from a stroke. He had a defibrillator sort of contraption “installed” in him that had an adapter port where you could plug in some earbuds and hear his heartbeat to make sure he’s still alive.

Doesn’t seem very nightmarish, does it? But when you’re still grieving, because like I said, his death was very tragic and very much a surprise, you wake up in a panic thinking, “oh my god, my loved one is still alive”. The dream was palpable. I could feel his hug, hear his fucking heartbeat. So no, it wasn’t dream where I’m being eaten by zombies or something like that. Who knows? Maybe I don’t know the definition of nightmare, but it was definitely bothersome and has left me thinking about it for DAYS.

Since I got that off my chest, I am going to attempt to sleep now. Wish me luck.

-S

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I’ve got Bipolar Disorder & my shit’s not in order.

Yes, that is from Mary Lambert song, and the title seems to be escaping me right now. My apologies.

I am sooo over this rapid cycling or schizoaffective disorder bullshit, whatever it is. I want it gone. It’s getting hard to cope with. The excessive worrying, which leads to anxiety (or the two just go together, hand-in-hand), then mania, from mania to crashing and being depressed. Wash. Rinse. Repeat.

No worries. I’m not suicidal or having any sort of ideation, nothing like that. But it is getting fucking annoying and rather hard to manage. That’s where my psychiatrist comes in… I think I need a mood stabilizer. She suggested it last time I saw her. So perhaps I should get in sooner than what I see her? I think I see her in March. I can’t remember the exact date.

These past two weeks (regarding the rapid cycling) has been sheer hell. I hate, hate, hate taking my Ambien (another reason I need to see my psychiatrist probably sooner than what I am). It’s kinda scary when I take it. I’ve been on it before, but never had this kind of reaction to it. I blackout. I LITERALLY have to take it right before laying down to sleep. Then I’m out for a good 8-10 hours. If I do anything in between then, I feel like I get lost in time or some shit like that. Scary, indeed.

I’m just tired of it. My mind and body both need a break from it. It is causing me to have all these bizarre symptoms that I don’t quite know how to take care of. For instance, when I’m depressed, my chest hurts. Or when I’m anxious my chest hurts. I can treat the anxiety with Klonopin, but I’ll be damned if I don’t use that as a last resort. And stupid me, I know I can take it more than once a day. But the depression? I don’t quite know how to treat it. It’s either from the Seasonal Affective Disorder OR it’s from the rapid cycling. I couldn’t tell you which. Probably a combination of both, or one is affecting the other. Who the hell knows at this point.

“So come on, motherfucker, you survive. You gotta give yourself a break”.
-Bleachers, Everybody Loves Somebody

-S

What I’ve been up to.

I seriously felt like I have not updated in A MINUTE (okay way more than a minute, but you know what I mean!!!!!). I’m guessing around Christmas? I can’t remember without looking back and actually finding out. Either way, keep reading…

Earlier on in the month I had a moment of clarity, felt like 2018 was going to be “my” year. I made these goals out (note: not resolutions), and thankfully have stuck to them mostly. However, I’ve been feeling extremely overwhelmed this past week or so. Like I have had this immense weight on my shoulders that just wouldn’t lift. I wasn’t depressed, per se, but I was “easily rattled”.

I’m someone who cannot handle people “dumping” their loads on me. It makes me feel like an emotional landfill. lol I don’t know how else to put it! I don’t mind it so much when I’m NOT overwhelmed, and not so much when it’s my friends. But when it’s constantly coming from people I see and interact with (like in realtime)… it’s too much. I won’t get into what’s been going on with that, or who, because it’s not my business to put out there. Also, Karma.

My soul needed a huge break. Maybe because I’m an empath + a highly sensitive person, it drains me immensely. I spent the majority of the past week hibernating in my room, because interacting with people was just way too much on me. Even certain sounds, like hearing someone on speaker phone was getting to me. I was very much overstimulated.

Truth be told I probably should have gotten out of my bubble. But I did not. My brain was telling me I spoke too soon with my “moment of clarity” and hyping up how 2018 is going to be my year. 🙄 Then I came to my senses and realized that hey, I’m going to have bad days, probably several in a row. I do have bipolar disorder and every-fucking-thing-else. And that along with leaving the house more often than what I already have been, to also start up my self-soothing and mindfulness exercises that I used to practice. Those for sure used to help me tons. To have some sort of routine (besides my sleep hygiene), even if it’s just making a tea; because the way I used to make that was a process. I enjoyed it. I find myself not doing things I once enjoyed. Ya know, traveling, hanging out with friends, shopping, etc.

Anyway, onto more random things;

On top of all of the above, I peopled waaaaaay too much last Saturday. It was Conrad’s 3rd birthday party and I love the dude, but there were so many people at the party. People I did not know, people who did not talk to me (for which I am thankful, mostly). I kind of beat myself up for not being more social, but then I was like, “It would have been difficult with that many people there”. The party was still fun and Conrad was as cute as ever.

I finished reading The Basic Eight by Daniel Handler (he was Lemony Snicket!!!). Boy, what a mindfuck that damn book was. Borderline triggering (MOST LIKELY TRIGGERING FOR SOME. JUST GONNA PUT THAT OUT THERE). The protagonist, Flannery Culp, dealt with sexual harassment, underage drinking and drug doing. Leading to a demise of another character (don’t worry, not a spoiler lol). Had a lot of common themes of fat-shaming, along with the sexual harassment. And well, I won’t spoil the ending, but I DID NOT SEE IT COMING! I rated it 3 stars out of 5 on Goodreads.

Now I am reading Everything Everything by Nicola Yoon. Very good read. More relatable and easier to read, not so mindfuck-y. lol

I also finished watching American Gods (based on the book(s) by Neil Gaiman). And season 2 of The Magicians. I love The Magicians. American Gods was pretty good too. Gory and shocking, but well-acted and the cinematography was flipping AWESOME! And Ricky Wittle isn’t hard on the eyes, either. That helped things!

I also am dealing with a considerable amount of hip and shoulder pain, on the same side of the body. I kind of wonder if it’s spine-related. At this point I would not be shocked. My heating pad the bit the dust, so that sucks, but whatever. I ordered a new one

I think that’s all I got for now.

-S

2017: The very up and VERY down year.

I cannot for the life of me put what happened in 2017 in chronological order because 2017 just kind of molded into one big blur, and before I knew it was Halloween, Thanksgiving, Christmas, THEN NEW YEARS EVE! Which is tonight. Right now as I am typing this.

Do I make resolutions? Eh. Not really. I’ve tried in the past, more specifically in my teens and early 20s, none of them panned out very well, or if at all. Hell, I can’t remember what one was! I’m sure if I looked back in my journals (or even my LiveJournal backlogs, I’d find something). But hey, who has time for that?

I definitely had a few bouts of suicide ideation. They didn’t last long, maybe a minute or two. They were just a blip of an irrational though. Because I DON’T want to die. It was more of a “what if”, fleeting thought. I have absolutely no plans. It’s just that Seasonal Affective Disorder + 15 year anniversary of going into a mental health facility for attempting, yeah. It gets to ya.

Anyhouzen….

I guess my GOAL (not so much resolution) is to be more adventurous. And by adventurous, I mean get outside my bubble. Take risks. Shake up my world a little bit (though, not for the worst). I already have a concert planned in March to go see Lorde. But before that I am going to get my hair cut and colored and then I am going to get a small David Bowie-related tattoo. No, I’m not sayin what yet. And ye, I have several other tattoos, only few have meanings. But this one will mean a lot to me. I have already contacted a tattoo artist to inquire on what his minimum was, he told me and I figured I’d get ahold of them after the new year.

I AM EXCITED.

I also want to lose weight. NO, I haven’t turned in paperwork for weightless surgery yet… anxiety is really holding me back on that one. It’s a HUGE change. I’m not sure I’m ready too commit. I need to make up my mind before Trump fucks with Medicare, and that happens to be my primary insurance.

Onto Random Ramblings:

Last night I thought I lost Hatter. Like LITERALLY lost her, like she had gone missing. I searched high and low — even outside! Bursting into tears because I couldn’t find her. Do you know where she was? DO YOU?! My fucking closet, behind some shirts that I had hung up in there. I was spent after that. Took a shower and went. to. bed. Cats, they like to keep us on our toes.

New Years eve has been relaxed thus far. I had some pizza, brownies, Sanpellegrino and screwed around on the internet up in my room. I really want to sleep, but it’s barely after 7pm and there are going to be fireworks tonight. 🙄 How fucking lame. Reserve those for the Fourth of July, please.

Christmas was really relaxed too, contrary to days leading up to it. I was stressed tf out. When I say it was bad, I am not exaggerating in he least! Every little thing was making me anxious and causing me to be stressed out. They were IN MY FACE, too. I ended up having to set some healthy boundaries, much to people’s dismay. But hey, if it’s going to keep stress free, then I’m going to do it. Out of sight, out of mind. Or whatever that phrase is.

I can’t believe I’m going to wake up tomorrow and it’s going to be 2018. Goddamn, I feel old. Or as my nephew says, “You’re a dinosaur”. 😒

Speaking of nephew, he’s getting so big. He’ll be 3 on the 12th of January. I can’t believe how much of a sponge his brain is. Some of the stuff he says is like, ‘WHERE DID YOU LEARN THAT?!’. Sometimes it’s downright hilarious. I love being an Auntie. It’s the world’s greatest gift anyone (my sister in this case) could have given to me. ❤️

More random ramblings:

I’m reading a book called The Basic Eight by Daniel Handler (aka pseudonym Lemony Snickett for the Series of Unfortunate Events). And it’s SO GOOD. Very maniacally written, the further the book goes along, the more manic it gets. I am thoroughly enjoying it and it’s a page turner. I’m going to look into getting more books of his (as his real name, Daniel Handler). I think I’m going to shop my stash though, I have too many books that definitely need to be read before I buy more. Sheesh!

I’m also watching Mr. Robot and American Gods. And in a few weeks The Magicians comes back on. MUCH EXCITE.

-S

PS – I turn good old thirty-three this coming Wednesday. Yippee ki yi yay motherfucker.

It’s beginning to look a lot like shitmas.

Gah, I’m sitting in my room with the lights off and a candle lit as I type this out. I’m stressed out to say the least and I’m stressed out to say the least. It’s Christmas Eve Eve, for crying out loud! How are Christmases getting worse as the years go on. I used to live for this forsaken holiday when I was younger.

I’ve been listening to a LOT of Joni Mitchell lately. Usually I turn toward her music when I’m super sad. Yes, I’m depressed. Seasonal Affective Disorder is great like that. *Thumbs up emoji*

I’m supposed to do some Christmasy stuff tomorrow. But the holiday season has turned up being a little too peoply. Spoken like a true introvert, eh?

So yeah, this holiday season has been shitty so far. How’s yours?

But in all seriousness, I want to make the most of the next few days and let my soul just heal a bit, because these past two days have been pretty testy on my nerves. Hence me “setting the mood” in my room with the lights off and a lit candle. A vanilla one at that. Those seem to be the most calming. Maybe that’s psychosomatic of me, but hey — it helps and self-care is very vital to healing and being on the path to wellness.

I kind of bite my thumb at the whole “wellness” stuff. I can’t do the fake it ’till you make it BS. But at the same time, I need some semblance of normalcy and wellness, if you will… I am very honest with how I am feeling (however much I say I suppress it), I wear my heart on my sleeve. It’s painfully obvious when I’m putting on act of “faking it ’till I make it”. Now that I think of it, I’m not very “go with the flow” either. Perhaps I set my own pace and try to keep up with it. Whatever, I don’t know where I’m going with this.

Basically I want to be okay. And I’m just not right now.

End of.

‘Scuse me while I jam out to Christmas music. I love it. And according to the masses, now is the more appropriate time of year to listen to it. (Despite my moaning and groaning over the holidays, I do enjoy Christmas music… year ’round. Yeah I’m a savage.)

-S

Mania in a blog post.

Mania. A word is worth a thousand words. Right? Well, at this point in time I am experiencing mania. I didn’t sleep at all last night and at this point sleep is not going to happen because I have shit to do.

I feel like I’m beating a dead horse with this, but the mania spectrum is so fucking broad. I can go from feeling invincible, to angry, to crying at the drop of a hat… not out of depression, but out of frustration. Which is what I’m doing right this second.

I am downright frustrated! I don’t know what to do. Right now I feel like I’m compartmentalizing my moods, trying to not let them get the best of me. But sometimes they just do.

Sometimes I also feel like documenting (video, audio, not just blogging) my episodes so I have some sort of definitive proof. I can write this shit into the ground, and seem sane. But in reality, I feel like I’m somewhere in between sane and out of my goddamn mind.

That’s what’s so devastating about having Bipolar Disorder. You don’t deal with just one thing, you deal with two things and some other shit mixed in (hypomania, schizoaffective disorder, anxiety, etc).

Would I change myself? No. But I would do some reading on how to better deal with when my moods rapid cycle. Get a mood ring, maybe? Ha.

In writing this I am giving myself some time to think, breathe, and just be. It is calming me down and a form of self-care.

The truth is, I had a really shitty day yesterday and it affected me BIG TIME last night. Yesterday not only was a bad day on my psyche, but a bad pain day. So I slept a good portion of the day away (and “good portion”, I mean like 3 hours in the late afternoon into the evening). I don’t know if the two are mutually exclusive or not — pain and rapid cycling in this case — maybe I’m being psychosomatic. *shrug* I know depression can make you hurt. But I wasn’t depressed in that instance. I was angry, frustrated, stressed. A culmination of those things. I was probably so tense that my hips were just like, “we don’t like you”. And you know what they say ’bout hips… they don’t lie. Okay, that was dumb. But you get what I mean… my hips felt like they were contracting and I felt like I was getting ready to give birth or something dramatic like that. Anyway…

So I didn’t get anything done. Which frustrated me even more, because I’ve been putting off cleaning for quite a few days. But my body and brain got together and said, “For your sanity, please… SHUT DOWN”. I took heed and slept instead and paid for it dearly last night and this morning.

I have a few spoons going on right now. Probably what they call a “second wind”. In this case it’s more like a fourth or fifth wind. I’ll do the things I need to do and then call it a day and sleep a bit. Not that I want to necessarily day sleep, but my poor body already feels wretched enough, I need to get some rest.

Silver lining; Friday is Star Wars. I don’t know if i’ll go on Friday exactly, but hopefully. My body is ready, but my soul is not. I’m feeling all sorts of anxiety and stress over what possibilities lie ahead with this epic saga. Damn you Rian Johnson! Also, damn you George Lucas (and thank you), for creating such an outstanding empire that is Star Wars.

Anyway, at least I have SOMETHING to look forward to.

starwar

Bon nuit, mes ami.

-S

The World’s Most Random Blog Entry.

Hi, I’m Stephanie. And I am not a fan of Giftmas. Sure, I thoroughly enjoy giving gifts to my friends and loved ones. But I hate how much anxiety, stress, and sheer greed that comes around this time of year.

I’m putting an emphasis on STRESS and ANXIETY because it kicks my social anxiety in to full gear. I don’t know how to deal with it, add to the fact that I have Seasonal Affective Disorder and it makes things that much worse.

I digress though, I enjoy giving. It’s just the cherry, “Keep the Christ in Christmas” shit that makes me grit my teeth and just smile. Luckily, more people are saying “Happy Holidays”. Which I appreciate, because there are like… I don’t know… 15 (something ilke that) holidays in between Thanksgiving and Giftmas. “Happy Holidays” is MUCH MORE PC. That being said, if someone tells me “Merry Christmas”, I’m not going to hold a grudge against them. It’s just a greeting, even if I am not a Christian.

Maybe I’m pissy because it’s a full moon tonight. Maybe I’m pissy because I’m about to start my period. WHO THE FUCK KNOWS? All I know is the only thing I’m counting down for this month is episode VIII, The Last Jedi. STAR WARS. I’m having all the feelings about it. I don’t want to talk about it, but perhaps I should.

So The Last Jedi is upon us. I am a Star Wars nerd. I cannot even begin to tell you the joy that Star Wars brings me. Much like Harry Potter does. Anywho… They have amped this episode up so much that I am anxious. Not to mention that my dearest Space Mother, General Leia Organa (rest her soul) is going to be in it and I know I’m going to lose it. I lost it when *spoiler alert* Han was killed off. My poor heart can’t handle what’s about to come. I shouldn’t be stressing about Star Wars, yet… here I am.

In other very much unrelated news (the Star Wars thing was a tangent)… I’ve been having sciatica flareups. And BOOOOOOY do they hurt. It’s happening in my shorter leg. Once again, I’m afraid that it will take ages to get into my doctor just for me to say “Hey, I’m having sharp, shooting pains down my shorter leg”. Only for her to put me on Lyrica (if there’s no interactions with my other medications), and send me to physical therapy.  I hate chronic pain for that reason. Not much they can do about it, and with this so-called “Opioid Crisis” going on. She won’t send me home with shit until I can get into a physical therapist.

Even more random ramblings: The week after thanksgiving was SHIT-TY. Boohooing and snotting all over everything. I was a fucking mess. I couldn’t even carry on simple conversations with people. I waited damn near a week before I messaged anyone back on Facebook Messenger. Texting was very, very minimal. I just needed a break and to decompress. That’s all.

Sleep has been great, surprisingly since I went off Sonata. It was causing me to be even more manic and awake. But, I’m glad I am having a great sleep… most of the time. Sometimes it can be a little choppy, but so far, so good. I’ve been taking 10mg of Melatonin. It’s nice. Oh! And I had my Klonopin upped to take 1mg 2x a day. I can break it in half on days where I don’t need it as bad. And that’s nice.

I did a crap load of Christmas shopping. I think my family members are going to like what I got them. My sister already gave me mine. A bottle of Tommy Girl by Tommy Hilfiger. I told her I wanted to smell like high school, so that’s what I got. And I am SATISFIED.

Hatter goes to the vet this coming Monday. Yippee. I love taking her to the vet. Not. The vet I take her to is like a 15-20 minute car ride and she hates every second of it. She needs to get her vaccinations. Hopefully it won’t cost too much.

Anywho. I am going to get going.

Peace!

-S