Well, I am. What can I say? Sleep has been not so great, having nightmares despite the fact that I had my Ambien increased to 10mg. Definitely asking for something different next time I see my psychiatrist.
A lot of people may ask, “Well if you’re so tired, why don’t you just sleep?”. Ha. Not that simple. My brain is hardwired to be on damn near 24/7 until I’ve literally exhausted myself to nothing. As if a part of me actually dies from not sleeping well. And it fucking sucks.
So here I am, tired out of me wits, but yet making a goddamn blog post? Chances are good I probably could sleep right now. I’m that tired, not manic and feeling mostly ok. Just exhausted. Tomorrow I plan on sleeping in. Hopefully not exceptionally late, but late enough. I’ll set an alarm, let’s see if I actually wake up to it.
The truth is, I probably should exercise better sleep hygiene than what I have been as of late. I’ve been spending an abundant amount of time locked in my room. Afraid of the flu. Well, guess who caught the flu and was REALLY fucking sick? That’s right. Moi.
Every day since Monday has been super miserable and I’m just now feeling better. Apparently I didn’t have the “flu” flu, but the norovirus (apparently there’s a difference). My symptoms lasted for a few days (sans vomiting, that didn’t even last 24 hours). Up until Thursday I would say. Friday I was feeling mostly normal, with the exception of running on empty (no sleep). Yesterday was a sleepy day and I have no question in my mind as to whether tonight’s sleep will be, too. I need the sleep to recover from the excessive amount of vomiting I did. My poor body (and brain!).
The good news is that I think I’ve had a bit of exposure therapy to the whole emetaphobia (fear of vomiting) thing. It isn’t me that is fearful of vomiting, per se. But my loved ones being sick and potentially dying. Yes, that is my exact thought process. I feel like I’ve discussed it in length before, but I haven’t. So here it is:
Death has knocked on both of my parents’ doors. And my sisters. So when any of them get sick, I immediately go into panic mode. Probably bordering on paranoia. I’m sooo afraid of losing any of them, even to the flu (I mean, people have died from it), that I’m afraid to get it. It sucks SO bad. Even hearing someone wretch on TV is enough throw me into a tailspin of “OH MY GOD, THEY’RE GOING TO DIE”.
I digress, every one is still alive. Characters on TV included. I only wish my goddamn brain would stop getting the better of me.
On another slightly related topic: Nightmares. I keep on having unnerving ones that really set the tone for how my days are going to be. For instance, the other night I dreamt my Uncle, who has since passed in a super tragic manner, came back to life and came to visit us. Only he had resurrected from the dead, not dying the way he died in real time, but from a stroke. He had a defibrillator sort of contraption “installed” in him that had an adapter port where you could plug in some earbuds and hear his heartbeat to make sure he’s still alive.
Doesn’t seem very nightmarish, does it? But when you’re still grieving, because like I said, his death was very tragic and very much a surprise, you wake up in a panic thinking, “oh my god, my loved one is still alive”. The dream was palpable. I could feel his hug, hear his fucking heartbeat. So no, it wasn’t dream where I’m being eaten by zombies or something like that. Who knows? Maybe I don’t know the definition of nightmare, but it was definitely bothersome and has left me thinking about it for DAYS.
Since I got that off my chest, I am going to attempt to sleep now. Wish me luck.